I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
