Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
