i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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