last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
