do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
