Moan for me like Helen Keller
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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