Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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