Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
