Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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