The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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