Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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