The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
