thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
