I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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