We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
