I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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