i jhust puked up my retainher.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
