Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
