You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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