I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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