this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
