I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
