Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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