You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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