Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize