He uses pillows to masturbate.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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