I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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