if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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