I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
