oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
