sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
