I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
