I need to stop coming to work sober
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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