I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
