I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
