I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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