Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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