So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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