Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
