"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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