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Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
