i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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