Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i think my cat just said my name.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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