the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
