I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
