I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
