If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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