Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
