God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
