DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
