It's Friday. Sex?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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