it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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