I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
