Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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