had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
