you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to calm my uterus...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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