the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
