It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
