My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My vagina is officially offended.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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