I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
