Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
