don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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